MacBook Air: Apple's Supreme Brain Fart

Well, MacWorld has come and gone, and all anyone got was this lousy laptop. Seriously, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. This laptop sucks major wang.

Now I know that you may be saying "Hey, T! You haven't even touched it yet! How could you possibly bash this laptop so soon?! It's not fair!"

Well, I have plenty of reasons to hate this svelte little Turd from Cupertino, and I'll give 'em to you right now.

The overall form factor, ridiculously slim and light, is executed flawlessly. Unfortunately, almost everything you'd find in a normal laptop had to either be removed or replaced with Steven Jobs' raw excrement to pull it off. There's only one, count 'em, ONE USB port on this puppy, along with a mono audio out. Yes, you heard right. MONO. It's TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING EIGHT, Apple! Your mono crap makes me want to put on a leisure suit, hop into my AMC Pacer, crank the 8-Track up to the max and elect Jimmy Carter's ass back into the White House. MONO, Stevie-boy? Get real.

Another addition to the list of things castrated from this laptop is an optical disc drive. No CD, no DVD, no nothing. How will I install my programs, you might ask? Well, Apple has included this nifty software that allows you to access the CD or DVD drive of another Windows or Mac computer in order to install programs, move files, or anything that requires a disc. Oh, I could just imagine that conversation on the plane!

MacBook Air Owner: Excuse me, sir.

Other Laptop Owner: Yes?

MacBook Air Owner: Do you mind if I install this program on your laptop so I can watch a DVD on my laptop?

Other Laptop Owner: Why would you need to do that?!

MacBook Air Owner: Because I just bought this MacBook Air, and it doesn't come with a DVD drive. Could you please help me?

Other Laptop Owner: It seems like your pansy-ass laptop needs to grow a pair! Screw off, jackass!

The Other Laptop Owner dons his headphones as the MacBook Air owner listens to his Michael Bolton in mono. He wishes he had his leisure suit.

Your processor choices for the Air are quite scarce, as well. You have a choice of either a 1.6 or 1.8 Ghz Core 2 Duo, and your only choice in the memory department is 2GB. Hard drive options include a 80GB 42oorpm PATA or a 64GB solid state drive. Although the solid state drive will most likely provide stellar durability and speed, it jacks up the price of your Turd by over a grand.

The cost of the Air will either be $1,799 or $3,098. That's it! Two options.

There are a couple of good things about this ultra-portable, however. The touchpad has been blessed by the wonderful multi-touch technology first introduced in the iPhone, and the Air has so much sex appeal that it would make Larry King look like a late-1990's Clinton. Other than that, total shit.

Now I'm gonna go take a shower. I feel dirty now...

Apple Make Typo In Ad; Rumors Fly

Apple made a no-no. It appears a slight typo could have possibly leaked the upcoming iPod Touch models. The ad, which is for a leather sleeve for the Touch, has this little tidbit.

"Custom fit for 80GB and 160GB iPod touch models."

Come again, Apple? This could either be a legitimate typo, or a legitimate tease.

Apple Blunder; Advertisement Reads 80GB / 160GB iPod Touch [Gizmodo]

Fresh iPods Just As Expected

They've arrived. The new iPods are shiny, touchy-feely, and pretty much just what everyone was expecting; as usual. Crazy how that works out, doesn't it?

The nano now has video playback capabilities, and a brighter display. Although, I don't think a brighter screen will help heal the severe eye strain caused my watching a movie on the thing.

What came as a surprise to me is that they didn't completely scrap the full-size click wheel iPod. They slapped a classic label on it and bumped the HD capacities to 80 and 120 GB.

Now, the star of the show, the iPod Touch. Looking exactly like the iPhone, only smaller, the Touch is everything but the phone. It's got wi-fi, built-in iTunes Music Store, and the same cool interface as its bigger cousin. The only drawback is the paltry 8 and 16 GB drives. The cool factor may cancel that out for some people, though.

In other announcements, the iPhone will cost $399 by the holidays, so get your credit cards ready to spoil the kiddos! iTunes now has ringtone support, and Apple has partnered with Starbucks to offer an interesting service.

Imagine, your in your local Starbucks, and your connected to the internet with your iPod Touch or iPhone. You say, "Gee, what is that song that's playing?" Well, finding out is as simple as pushing the Starbucks button in the Music Store, and listed before your very eyes are the last five songs that have played at the Starbucks your currently in. The problem? Well, I don't know of many people who actually want to know what songs are playing.

Hmm... what was the name of that indecipherable new age song that just played? Could it have been John Tesh?

BREAKING: Touch-Screen iPod Confirmed, Will Be Released Tomorrow

Hate to bother you shortly after another Apple article, but this is fo' sho'.

Think Secret has officially confirmed that a touch-screen iPod will be released tomorrow morning. The iPod nano will gain video playback features, as well as other features of the 5th gen iPod. New flashy animations will be added to the click wheel interface as well.

Stay tuned for more goodies come tomorrow.

Apple Show Tomorrow, New iPods Are Nigh

New iPods will for sure be revealed tomorrow at Moscone West, and the rumors are flowing like cheap wine through a Dallas hobo.

It's obvious that the iPods will be getting a major overhaul, especially in the UI department, as well as form factor. But what will it look like? Many think it will be short and fat, some think it will be thinner. Here's a rundown of what people are expecting both in size and features.

• Wireless Capability- Maybe a way to compete with the Zune's wireless feature? Could wi-fi even be possible? My wish is XM or Sirius compatibility. 'Cause your personal library has to get old sometimes.
• Touch-Screen iPod- this is what the majority of people are hoping for. Looks and behaves like an iPhone, but without the nuisance of a telephone. There has been evidence of patents and such by Apple of such technology.
• The Washington Post thinks that an iPhone nano is in the works.

Along with these theories, iPhone ringtones and the release of the Beatles catalog on the iTMS are expected. The Beatles catalog alone would make my day. And an iPhone that would wash my clothes...

New iPods To Be Released, Nano Pulls a Louie Anderson

Rumors are spinning about once again as another Apple press conference looms near. The new iPods are thought to be released on September 5th, which could include a slightly more, um, portly iPod Nano.

The rumored iPod Nano is shorter than it's current iteration, but is considerably chubbier, and rounder around the edges. Pictures have leaked on the interwebs of this new physique, only to be forcefully taken down by Apple Legal. The opinions of those who have spied the new iPod haven't all been positive, so say the least. Many people are calling it a step back from past versions.

I would love to put up a pic, but I'll pass on legal action for now.

New iMacs Out Today, Price Jacked Up

The rumors have ended up being true. Not only was a new Apple keyboard released today, but so was a new iMac to match.

These suckers look pretty good. Made of aluminum, glass and black plastic it gives a darker, more somber feel to the Mac. Guess you could say the iMac is in its Temple of Doom phase. The 17" model was killed off, and now only 20" and 24" models remain. The entry price has also went up to $1199; too rich for my cheapskate blood. They're also loaded with Core 2 Duo processors, high-end ATI graphics, and other goodies.

The Mac Mini also got an upgrade, although not cosmetically, today as well. The only present it received was Core 2 Duo processors and 1 gig of RAM standard.

A good day for Apple.