Windows XP SP3 Coming Soon

Well, it's been a while, folks, and I hope you haven't thought I was dead. Justin broke the silence last week, so I thought that I might as well get my lazy ass up and writing. Tearing the Macbook Air a new asshole can really wear down on you.

I don't think there's a better way to get back on track than to show how Microsoft attempts to get back on track themselves. Service Pack 3 for Windows XP is due out in eight days, and here's the features to look forward to:

• Increased Reliability
• Possible 10% Speed Boost

That's it! Enjoy! Yes, the speed boost would be quite a welcome improvement, but that feature is rumored, so you really only have increased reliability to look forward to. Still not a bad deal, so be sure to upgrade.

Master Chief: LEGO Style

The fight is finished... right? Wrong. Recently it is being said that Bungie Studios will be embarking on a new project in cooperation with the creators of all the LEGO games: LEGO Halo. That's right. A tiny, plastic Master Chief is to star in the first LEGO FPS. For those of you who don't live for video games, FPS is simply an acronym for "first-person shooter".

What does this mean for the story of Halo? First off, it probably means a little less cursing and a lot less blood. LEGO games usually aim for an "E" rating from the ESRB, and seeing how the real Halo is rated "M"--one can easily assume that the overall violence may be taken down a notch. Well won't that take away from all the good that is Halo? Maybe not.

It is actually predicted that this edition of Halo is to be just as successful as other LEGO titles (i.e. Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Batman, etc.), if not as much as its more mature counterpart. Personally, I can't wait to see what LEGO Halo is going to bring to the table. There is one last thing I should probably address here however...

This article appeared in EGM's April issue: a magazine known for it's "April Fools antics". So will there really be a LEGO Halo? Only time will tell...

(click here for more)

MacBook Air: Apple's Supreme Brain Fart

Well, MacWorld has come and gone, and all anyone got was this lousy laptop. Seriously, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. This laptop sucks major wang.

Now I know that you may be saying "Hey, T! You haven't even touched it yet! How could you possibly bash this laptop so soon?! It's not fair!"

Well, I have plenty of reasons to hate this svelte little Turd from Cupertino, and I'll give 'em to you right now.

The overall form factor, ridiculously slim and light, is executed flawlessly. Unfortunately, almost everything you'd find in a normal laptop had to either be removed or replaced with Steven Jobs' raw excrement to pull it off. There's only one, count 'em, ONE USB port on this puppy, along with a mono audio out. Yes, you heard right. MONO. It's TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING EIGHT, Apple! Your mono crap makes me want to put on a leisure suit, hop into my AMC Pacer, crank the 8-Track up to the max and elect Jimmy Carter's ass back into the White House. MONO, Stevie-boy? Get real.

Another addition to the list of things castrated from this laptop is an optical disc drive. No CD, no DVD, no nothing. How will I install my programs, you might ask? Well, Apple has included this nifty software that allows you to access the CD or DVD drive of another Windows or Mac computer in order to install programs, move files, or anything that requires a disc. Oh, I could just imagine that conversation on the plane!

MacBook Air Owner: Excuse me, sir.

Other Laptop Owner: Yes?

MacBook Air Owner: Do you mind if I install this program on your laptop so I can watch a DVD on my laptop?

Other Laptop Owner: Why would you need to do that?!

MacBook Air Owner: Because I just bought this MacBook Air, and it doesn't come with a DVD drive. Could you please help me?

Other Laptop Owner: It seems like your pansy-ass laptop needs to grow a pair! Screw off, jackass!

The Other Laptop Owner dons his headphones as the MacBook Air owner listens to his Michael Bolton in mono. He wishes he had his leisure suit.

Your processor choices for the Air are quite scarce, as well. You have a choice of either a 1.6 or 1.8 Ghz Core 2 Duo, and your only choice in the memory department is 2GB. Hard drive options include a 80GB 42oorpm PATA or a 64GB solid state drive. Although the solid state drive will most likely provide stellar durability and speed, it jacks up the price of your Turd by over a grand.

The cost of the Air will either be $1,799 or $3,098. That's it! Two options.

There are a couple of good things about this ultra-portable, however. The touchpad has been blessed by the wonderful multi-touch technology first introduced in the iPhone, and the Air has so much sex appeal that it would make Larry King look like a late-1990's Clinton. Other than that, total shit.

Now I'm gonna go take a shower. I feel dirty now...

Amazon MP3 Downloads Finally Get Songs

My dream has been realized. A few short months after the release of Amazon's foray into the music market, they have inked deals with Warner, EMI, Universal, and now Sony-BMG. Now they have a virtual corn-u-copia of DRM-free music for your perusal. What's the catch, you ask? Well, it seems that Amazon has also made a deal with physical stores to offer pre-paid cards to download certain items available from Amazon. No word if they'll restrict specific albums or songs for sale only in retail stores, but it will probably happen, if I know my greedy brick-and-mortar retailers correctly.

Warner Bros. Adopt Blu-ray, HD-DVD Crippled

Another major film studio has chosen sides in the first format battle of this millennium. Warner has decided to use the Blu-ray disc as their sole next-generation format.

Soon after the announcement, the HD-DVD group canceled a foo-foo L.A. cocktail party. It's thought that HD-DVD was in last-minute negotiations with Warner, but eventually lost. Is this a sign of the death of HD-DVD? Let's hope so, because I need to find out what I can replace my Betamax with.

Dell Crystal Widescreen Blows Minds

Not to mention pocketbooks. Dell has been showin' this baby off for awhile now at conventions, trade shows, etc.--claiming it was merely a concept and taunting drooling consumers. Now, this 22-inch Dell Crystal LCD monitor is ready for purchasing.


I mentioned pocketbooks before, and now I'll tell you just how far one of this gems will set you back: $1,199. Yes, that's quite a bit more than their other 22-inchers, but this is a limited edition crystal monitor people. If appearances mean anything to you, money is immaterial here. This is definitely a must-have.

Dell's new fancy-shmancy monitor features 4 speakers, a 1680x1050 (WSXGA+) resolution, built-in webcam, and DVI and HDCP-compliant HDMI connectivity all in one cable. You can read more about Dell's new rainmaker here and here. Enjoy!